Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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