hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
