When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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