Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
