Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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