Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
