Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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