we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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