We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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