Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
