Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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