Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
