you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
