she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
