i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
