You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
