Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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