We won't sleep together?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
