i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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