our cab driver is having phone sex.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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