____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
thus making me awesome and them whores
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
