i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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