I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
