I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
