I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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