the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
