He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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