If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
