I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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