I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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