Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
