Just cropdusted the office
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
