I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
