He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
