i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
