areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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