Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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