They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Randomize
