there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
