I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
