i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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