i love accidental penises.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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