just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
