i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
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I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
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Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.