he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.