nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
