Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
