We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
