This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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