he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
