Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
