Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
