just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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