All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize