Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
