i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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