I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
