made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
