So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
