I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
